“The floor is worn from my pacing, soul restlessly distraught from my obsessing. Love, I want no more of you. When I found you, I was at peace. Now, you leave me in pieces. I resent what I’ve allowed you to do to me. I willingly gave you my all, only to be left with shattered and shadowy remnants of me. Devoured, you consumed me completely.”
Regular readers may recall my perspective on forgiving my narcissist, Julia. If you’re not a regular reader, or perhaps don’t recall my position, in essence, I refused to forgive Julia because, as with all narcissists, she was fully aware of her actions, completely cognizant that all of her lying, cheating, manipulation, triangulation, trauma bonding, gaslighting, and abuse wasn’t only unforgivably unacceptable, it was wholly unconscionable. And yet, she did it anyway without hesitation, remorse, or regret. And for that, I have stood by my decision, lo, these 18 months, to never forgive her.
“You’re the only one who can save me.” Or so I thought. Discard phase after discard phase, time and time again, I kept turning to my narcissist, Julia, thinking, hoping she could satiate this hunger gnawing away within me. That she would quell the empty echoes silently reverberating in my heart and my mind, quenching the fire that seemed to sear with a great fury what little bit of me, of my soul that remained after her latest in a long line of departures from my life. It wasn’t that I was longing for external validation, needy or clingy. To the contrary, I cherished my solitude; however, I’d had a taste of how amazing love could be, at least how amazing Julia made it seem in the initial love bombing phase – and I craved more of its addictive sweetness! But here’s the kicker; if Julia had been a normal, emotionally, and psychologically healthy person, if she had been someone who was genuinely kind, loving, and selfless, she most assuredly could have been the one who would have offered the deliverance I sought. But she wasn’t because she isn’t.
“I love you, but I hate you. I miss you, but I’m better off without you. I want you out of my life, but I never want to let go of you.” Ugh. I can’t even begin to count how many times I was faced with this unbelievably painful and confusing conundrum. On one hand, I absolutely detested Julia, my narcissist, for hurting me in all the various ways she did. Albeit via simple manipulation through (yet another) discard phase, triangulation through jealousy and insecurity via the multitude of men in her reverse harem, or the old tried and trued infidelity epiphany.
Happy New Year, my beautiful! I sincerely hope you were able to celebrate yesterday with a renewed vigor and lease on life. More importantly, I hope you started your year narcissist-free. I remember my first narcissist-free New Year’s Day. It seemed hollow, empty, as though it was missing something…aside from the obvious. The thing is, over the previous 4-½ on-again, off-again years I’d spent with my narcissist, Julia, I’d celebrated two of the four New Year’s Day’s with her. But this time, the most recent celebration, I knew she’d never be coming back. And honestly, I was sad. But it was a happy sadness.
Merry Christmas, beautiful! I hope you’re celebrating this wonderful holiday with friends and or family; loved ones whom you love and who genuinely love you. More than that, I hope you are celebrating this holiday narcissist-free. But it’s okay if you’re not. Even if you relented and went back to them, or took them back, it’s okay. Healing is a long journey, especially after the trauma you’ve been through and, many times, when one is on a long journey, we find ourselves revisiting places to which we thought we’d never again return.
It was August 2019, and my narcissist, Julia, had graced me with yet another discard a little over a month prior. I vividly recall debating whether or not I should embrace this latest discard, in what had become a long line of discards over our 4-½ years together, or if I should hold out hope that maybe, possibly, she might return. I still didn’t realize that I was caught up in an enabler/enabled, abuser/abused, narcissist/empath dynamic. To be perfectly honest with you, about the only thing I knew with any certainty was that I missed my narcissist.
“I never said that! Now you’re just making things up. Don’t you think I’d remember if I said something so horrible?” Sound familiar? If you’re still with your narcissist, or have ever been involved with a narcissist, you are probably all too familiar with this dynamic: toxic amnesia. In a nutshell, toxic amnesia is when someone says or does something incredibly hurtful/painful to someone else, and then “forgets” that they ever said/did it.
So, there I was, in my kitchen cooking something in the oven, watching the timer, waiting, singing horribly off-key and loud! And I mean 𝕃𝕆𝕌𝕌𝕌𝕌𝕌𝕌𝕌𝔻! Something my narcissist would have absolutely detested. And I began thinking about all the things I enjoy, and do now, that she always found distasteful or even downright contemptible. And I realized just how much more happiness and freedom I have in my life that I would have never known had I stayed with her.
When I first went public with my experiences and relationship with my narcissist, Julia, honestly, I was embarrassed. “But, why?” you might ask. In a nutshell, it was the ridiculous number of times I took her back or, on more than one occasion, I went back. At the time, I had only just begun learning about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and the inner-workings of narcissistic people/relationships. I had absolutely no idea that this incessant and repetitive back-and-forth was par for the course, the status quo, 🅽🅾🆁🅼🅰🅻, as it were, when involved with a narcissist. So, just how many times did I take her back or return? Well over two dozen times.