The year was 2008. Julia, my narcissist, was, at the time, married to her first husband, Fred. According to Julia, Fred was, for all intents and purposes, a lazy leech. He refused to work and did nothing but stay home all day and, as it was relayed to me, “…play video games and watch porn,” while Julia worked two jobs, was the dutiful wife who cooked, kept the house neat and tidy, as well as taking care of Fred’s needs.
Unfortunately, Fred grew restless and soon decided to surreptitiously pursue a relationship with another girl, Veronika, from the Russian community. Fred told Veronika that he was divorced, which was not true. Veronika believed him and they began a courtship. However, after some time, Veronika discovered that Fred was actually still very much married. He lied again and told Veronika that he was indeed married but that they were separated, pending a divorce. Veronika, instead of doing what most people would do – pursue a relationship with “separated” Fred – told him that he needed to go back to Julia, ask forgiveness, and to make his marriage work.
Fred finally realized he was never going to get Veronika in bed so he reluctantly went back to Julia. At Julia’s doorstep he stood, roses (and head) in hand, pleading for another chance. Julia took him back…for about 2-3 days. What Fred didn’t know was that Julia had also been dating someone else, Mr. B. (who would become Julia’s second husband in just 6 short months). Unlike Fred, Julia had been enjoying the pleasures of a sexual relationship for several weeks while she and Fred were apart.
What Fred was additionally unaware of is that Julia and Mr. B. had had a fight a few days before and they were “broken up.” That’s the actual reason she took him back and nothing more. (Are you seeing the narcissist’s pattern where they hop from one relationship to another?) About three days into Fred and Julia being reunited, Mr. B. wrote Julia a heartfelt letter wherein he apologized for making her mad and offered to take her on a 10-day cruise. Julia opted to leave Fred behind and take the 10-day cruise with Mr. B. who was making $40,000 a month (yes, per month) instead of staying married to the lecherously unemployed man who did nothing but, “…stay at home, play video games, and watch pornography all day long.” However, it wasn’t long after Julia and Mr. B. got married that she realized he was a narcissist. You can read more about that debacle in the article What Happens When a Narcissist Falls for a Narcissist?
In the end, the reason Julia despised Veronika so vehemently is that, in the narcissist’s mind, Veronika tried to take away something that belonged to her: Fred. And no one leaves the narcissist, not even a leech. The narcissist does the leaving – always – at least that’s the preferred exit strategy. The truth is, Veronika was nothing more than an innocent victim to a philandering man’s childish impulse to pursue an extra-marital relationship for the sole purpose of hollow, physical and sexual gratification. Julia long ago forgave Fred for his indiscretions and transgressions, but she never forgave Veronika. To this day, Julia absolutely despises someone who, quite literally, never did anything wrong against or to her. If anything, Veronika did the morally right thing by telling Fred to go back to Julia and make their marriage work. That, dear friends, is why Julia has such deep-rooted disdain for Veronika that has lasted over 11 years. And now you know the rest of the story.