I had a topic in mind for today’s entry, but something happened last night that completely usurped my nefarious plot. I had a dream. I dreamt that my narcissist had returned, resumed the hoovering phase, and then a week later, as became par for the course, *Poof!* She was gone. I was so hyper-focused on calling her, asking her why, and telling her how deeply she’d hurt me. Even when I awoke from the dream, I was still beset with an overwhelming compulsion to reach out to her and share with her the pain she’d wrought upon me. So that’s today’s lesson, class. Does the narcissist care about what they’ve done to you?
The short answer is, “No. They do not care. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have done to you what they did.” A healthy person does not rain down destruction on someone who has never shown them anything but love, compassion, and understanding. Therefore, one can only deduce that the narcissist is not a (psychologically/emotionally) healthy person. This brings us to the long answer which requires us to delve into the subject of, “Why? Why don’t they care? After all, they once did. Right? And, therein lies the crux of the matter. Yes, they did care, but not about you. They only cared about themselves and what they could get from you. Remember, you and the narcissist are unconditionally in love with the same person.
In my dream, my narcissist, Julia, returned after some months apart. She was back at my house, making us pancakes for breakfast. This is something she once did about 2-years ago for me on Father’s Day, which was, incidentally, the beginnings of yet another hoovering phase. As is usually the case with the hoovering phase, everything was once again sublime betwixt us. She was being kind, loving, affectionate, attentive, compassionate, and I was happily returning those sentiments, letting my guard down. Then, I flashed forward a (dream-time) week, and she wasn’t responding to my texts or phone calls. I was so hurt, so angry, so dejected, I wanted to tell her how deeply she’d hurt me, how unforgivably she’d betrayed my trust, again, and how I was done with her and us. That’s about when I awoke, still so out of sorts, so befuddled and disconcerted. I will admit, I almost texted her at 3:something in the morning to tell her all those things I wanted to say in my dream. But I didn’t. Because I knew the dream was not in real-time and, more importantly, my words would fall on eyes and ears that simply could not care less for me, my well-being, or my mental, emotional, and psychological health.
That is what we, you and I, have to realize: we simply do not matter to the narcissist. I know that may sound somewhat harsh but, my beautiful friend, you have survived so much deceptive destruction at the hands of the narcissist in the form of lies, infidelity (whether it be of the heart and or the body), perhaps mental, physical, and even sexual abuse. You have made it this far. You are much stronger than you realize. And I am not going to insult you with lies or kid-glove half-truths. We do not matter at all to someone who meant the world to us. You could quite literally text, call, and even e-Mail them all day, every day, explaining the pain they have made part of your everyday living. But the narcissist knows full well what they did. They knew what they were doing the entire time they were doing it. And yet they continued without restraint. Do you honestly believe your words will matter to them, now? No.
This is not to say your pain is not real. It is real. It is more real than perhaps you fathom. If you want to write a heartfelt letter of pain. Write it. If you want to write a text that shares all the misery they made you feel. Write it. Then send it to yourself. Read it as though you were the narcissist listening to every word you wrote and feeling all those emotions you wish they would feel. Then destroy it. Release all that pain out into the universe and give your loving heart a much-deserved reprieve. That is not where your pain belongs. And your narcissist is not with whom you belong.